this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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