He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
