Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
