Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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