im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
