I feel great
I just peed on a car
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize