I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
