He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
