I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
