I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
