There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
