I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
