You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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