I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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