508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
