you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
