It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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