I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize