I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I wear drunk well.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
