If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
