Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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