she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize