I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
