I just saw a hot homeless man
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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