Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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