I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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