I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
