whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
