sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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