Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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