the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize