made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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