She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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