I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
