Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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