i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
