Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
