I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
