Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
