The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize