Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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