Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
