He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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