Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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