can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
