Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
