She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
