they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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