Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
