His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
