it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
