Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dear god my vagina.
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