I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
