Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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