My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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