Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize
