the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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